Defining Love

The following is from Montrose Baptist Church's PM worship service on November 1, 2009.

I am going to ask you to help us get started this evening. We are beginning our relationship focus on Sunday evenings that began with us showing Fireproof a couple of Sundays ago.
I do want to assure you, while there will be times when we are primarily focused on marital relationships, we are not going to ignore other relationships. We are still going to relate the principles to friendships, dating relationships, church relationships, and even our relationship with our Heavenly Father. I know that for some of you, your spouses have been at home with the Lord for some time, and we would not seek to overlook you in this time. It is my sincerest hope that we will simply learn to grow in our love for one another- regardless of the type of relationship we are involved in.
Let me ask you this question to get us started: How would you define love?
I need us to collaboratively come up with a definition for love.
(allow time for discussion- and compose corporate answer)
I believe that if we asked a group of varied ethnicities, family backgrounds, spiritual convictions, and age groups, we would come up with some distinctive differences in our opinions on love.
For example, listen to a couple of definitions provided by children.
“Love is when your puppy licks you in the face, even after you’ve left him alone all day.” –Mary Anne, age 4. “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”- Karen- age 7. “Love is when a girl puts on perfume, and a boy puts on shaving cologne, and they go out and smell each other.”- Karl, age 5. “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.”- Emily, age 8. “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands have arthritis too. That’s love.”- Rebecca, age 8.
A teenage girl defined love as “always caring about someone, never wanting to be without them, and not being mad or staying mad at them.”
If we were to ask many adults, I doubt seriously that many would suggest something too different. In fact, in our modern society, far too many adults are prone to inappropriately use sex and love interchangeable.
While society today would not agree on a single definition, I believe that C.S. Lewis provides us with a definition that transcends time and follows Biblical principle. He said, “Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing...Love...is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habits reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God...On this love the engine of marriage is run; being in love was the explosion that started it.”
C.S. Lewis sought to reduce the entirety of Scriptural teaching to a simple statement. It is a deep unity that is maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habits reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God.
While I agree with his statement, and we will revisit it in a few moments, C.S. Lewis is not our authority. Even he has to be weighed against the unchanging standard of Scripture.
I would invite you to join with me in our quest to Discover the Definition of love.

Read text. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

I am certain that many of you could nearly quote the entirety of that passage. It is a definition and description that we have grown accustomed to over the years. However, I believe that we need to truly investigate what it says about God’s gift of love.
We’ll break it down quickly.
Love is PATIENT. While we understand love to be affection or unity, we must recognize that it is patient. It is long-suffering. It is enduring.
I understand that there will be times when those that you love may anger you more quickly than anyone else. After all, you spend the greatest amount of time with them. However, true love, God’s perfect love is patient.
I look back across the years and realize that God tried to teach me that love is patient at an early age.
I may have shared this story with you before, but if so, you have to endure it one more time. When I was in 5th grade, there was this beautiful, smart, popular girl in my class. I was smitten to say the least. However, I had one problem. I was scared to even speak to her. On the last day of class, when everyone was signing class shirts, I was even afraid to approach this little girl to get her to sign mine.
At the close of that year, I lost my connection with her- her family moved away. However, in seventh grade, I remember the two girls that sat next to me in class making the comment that she had moved back to town. I was excited, but once again, I was terrified of speaking.
The years passed and in high school I once again had a class or two with her. But things still had not changed. Finally, following a football game my junior year of high school, my group of friends met she and her group of friends in a McDonalds after the game.
As things would have it- and after a friend broke confidence, this girl finally knew a little of how I felt. She asked me to escort her to Azalea Trail and we began to talk. Later that year, she was my date to the junior prom- but the understanding was very clear that we were JUST FRIENDS. Twice I asked her to date me, and twice I was shot down. Finally, on the first day of our senior year, she told me she loved me and we began dating soon after.
That little fifth grade beauty and I have been married for eight years now- but it took seven long years for that love to be shared.
Love is not dictated by time. Rather, it is patient and long-suffering. It is enduring.
It is also KIND. Love is not vindictive or manipulating. It is not the seeker of evil. Rather, it is kind. It seeks good.
Now, this may seem to be something that is universally understood. However, it is not always translated in practice. Let me ask you for just a moment: How do you speak to your spouse? How do you treat those you love?
This past Friday, I was visiting a hospice patient and watched as a husband scolded his wife for speaking while he was speaking. He paused, and she thought he was finished talking. However, he was in the middle of a story- and intended to finish.
I had to sit by while he embarrassed his poor wife in front of outside company. And I began to wonder, if he was so unkind to her in the presence of guests in the home, I can only imagine how he communicates his love on a regular basis.
While it may be difficult at times, love is kind.
It is also NOT JEALOUS. IT DOES NOT BRAG AND IS NOT ARROGANT.
While those statements all have varying connotations, they all speak to one truth. True love is not primarily concerned with oneself. In fact, true love is selfless.
I believe that we can look to Jesus for our example here. John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”
In Jesus’ sacrificial death on the cross, he evidenced the greatest love that man could ever know. He was not concerned with His own well-being. Rather, He was consumed by a love for His Father, for you, and for me. He was not arrogant. Rather, He made Himself to be a humble servant and took the sin of the world on His shoulders.
Jesus taught us that there is no “I” in love.
We could continue on through the rest of the passage, but it continues to reiterate the same themes. It expands and expounds on the selfless nature of love and then provides the promise that love will never fail.
C.S. Lewis said that love is a deep unity. And if you look at the Biblical definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13, you find that all of these descriptions point to unity.
Just consider this: Each of the descriptions that we find, “Love patient, kind, not jealous…”, point to the unselfish nature of true love. And what is the true cause of discord and disunity? Selfishness. When you remove self and personal entitlement from the equation, unity comes naturally.
Love is truly a deep unity as C.S. Lewis suggested. However, there is one more thing that we need to understand. In addition to DISCOVERING A DEFINITION for love, we must also DETERMINE ITS DIRECTION.
We have a short clip from Fireproof that we are going to watch quickly.
(show Michael's "you've got to lead your heart" clip)
I’m afraid that one of the problems that we have as a society is that that we have sought to reduce love to a mere emotion. We have subscribed to this idea that love is an unstoppable force that impacts who it wills and misses those less fortunate.
We imagine love to be that attraction that leaves the man and the woman gazing helplessly into one another’s eyes when they first meet. However, that is not love. That may be part of being in love, but that is not the fullness of love.
Unfortunately, our homes are being inundated with these ideas and images. We are teaching our youth that love is this intense feeling in the pit of your stomach. Even our adults think that love is dictated by emotion and feelings. And it is wrecking the home.
Do you know what the most common statement in marriage counseling is? What do you think most couples complain about when they seek professional help? The comment usually goes something like, “I just don’t feel the love like I used to.”
We don’t realize love is not about feeling. It is not an emotion. Rather, C.S. Lewis and the writers of Fireproof both uncover the same thing. You may recall in Lewis’ definition that “Love…is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habits reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God.”
Love is an act of the will. It is something that we can strengthen through our habits and our petition of God.
In the Fireproof clip that we just watched, Michael shared about his previous failed marriage. He said that he thought he was following his heart. But then he discovered that you must lead your heart.
There is a responsibility that you and I bear. We are called to determine who and how we are going to love. We must lead our hearts.
Just consider a couple of Scripture references. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 23:19 says, “Listen, my son, and be wise, and direct your heart in the way.” Colossians 3:1 says, “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above.”
Over and over again in God’s Word, we are taught that we can guard and determine the direction of our hearts. We can choose what we love and value. We can determine how we approach love.
Now, there are probably those that are thinking, “The heart wants what it wants.” However, that thought process is errant and to be quite honest, it is an excuse that we lean on.
When Scripture talks about setting your heart on something, it does not meant that we must physically turn the blood-pumping muscle in our chest in a particular direction. Rather, the heart is the seat of the emotion. We must turn our emotions, our desires in a particular direction.
When we start to substitute emotion in the place of heart, we understand that emotions are fickle. They are able to be manipulated and controlled.
We can determine the direction of our hearts.
If you determine to love someone and invest in them, you will discover that you relationship will deepen. It is not a matter of feeling, but of will.
Are you disappointed in your marital relationship? Determine that you will love more deeply and unconditionally, even when you don’t feel it. Are you struggling in your relationship with your family? Determine that you will love them, even when you don’t feel they deserve it. Are you finding difficulty with your friends and coworkers? Determine to love them in spite of what your emotions are suggesting.
Love is a decision that we must make- not just a feeling. When we make a conscious decision to love more freely, regardless of feeling or emotion, we will find that our emotions will eventually begin mimic what we have decided.
Let me share a story- to illustrate this, and we’ll close.
Newspaper columnist and minister George Crane tells of a wife who came into his office full of hatred toward her husband. “I do not only want to get ride of him, I want to get even. Before I divorce him, I want to hurt him as much as he has me.”
Dr. Crane suggested an ingenious plan. “Go home and act as if you really love your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to be as kind, considerate, and generous as possible. Spare no efforts to please him, to enjoy him. Make him believe that you love him. After you’ve convinced him of your undying love and that you cannot live without him, then drop the bomb. Tell him that you’re getting a divorce. That will really hurt him.” With revenge in her eyes, she smiled and exclaimed, “Beautiful, beautiful. Will he ever be surprised!” And she did it with enthusiasm. Acting “as if.” For two months she showed love, kindness, listening, giving, reinforcing, sharing. When she didn’t return, Crane called, “Are you ready not to go through with the divorce?”
“Divorce?” she exclaimed. “Never! I discovered I really do love him.” Her actions changed her feelings. Motion resulted in emotion. The ability to love is established not so much by fervent promise as often repeated deeds.
We must understand true love as believers. We must understand that it is a deep unity that comes from selfless, sacrificial concern. And we must determine the direction of our hearts.
As we come to our time of invitation, I want to ask once again: Is there a relationship in your life that is struggling? Maybe it’s marital, maybe it’s familial, maybe it’s simply a friendship. You are the only one that can determine to love.
If we are struggling in our relationships, we must make a commitment to love even when we don’t feel like it. We must determine to love regardless of what return we see.
Your relationships- and the depth of the love in them are completely up to you. So is there a relationship you need to change? Is there a person that you’re refusing love?
Make the decision to make the change tonight.